I don’t want to speak in hyperbole, but this is the most important week of Scared Money ever.

I’ve curated the best, the worst, and the most sweaty bets for Week 4.

You see, it takes 3 data points to identify a pattern. And we’ve officially got 3 weeks of football behind us. So, it’s time to use the best and the worst performers to build some of the most fun parlays.

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

The Worst: D I've Ever Seen +2950 (29.5-to-1)

Sometimes, a girl just has to call it like it is! I can’t spare these men any longer with niceties.

Their Ds are bad. And they should feel bad.

• The Bengals are allowing 30.7 FPPG to RBs.
• The Titans are allowing 27.2 FPPG to RBs.
• The Cowboys and Bears are each allowing over 40 PPG to WRs.

Like I said: Bad Ds.

So, it’s simple. I’m rooting for ATDs from the guys most likely to benefit from these catastrophic defenses.

Anytime Touchdowns - 4 legs

• JK Dobbins -145
• Nick Chubb +155
• Romeo Doubs +195
• Jakobi Meyers +140

The Worst D I've Ever Seen... PART 2: Electric Boogaloo +9107 (91ish-to-1)

Yesssss. I wanted a bigger sweat. SO SUE ME!

You know I need the odds to be tougher and rougher. And I’m not scared of a tough parlay.

Same reasoning as the bet above: Bad D. But this time, I’m taking the guys that are a little deeeeeper down the depth chart. In bad D’s we trust!

Anytime Touchdowns - 4 legs

• RJ Harvey +200
• Woody Marks +200
• Matthew Golden +230
• Tre Tucker +210

The Best: Over/Under Matchups +16381 (163ish-to-1)

We’re going to use the power of superlatives to inform 8-leg this parlay. Hear me out…

• Buffalo (146) has allowed the fewest passing yards per game to QBs this season. Sorry, Spencer Rattler.
• Minnesota (162.3) is allowing the 3rd fewest passing yards per game. Aaron Rodgers is up next.
• San Francisco (172) has allowed the 4th fewest passing yards per game, facing Trevor Lawrence in Week 4.
• Cleveland (42.7) is allowing the fewest rushing yards per game. Jahmyr Gibbs!? Say it ain’t so!
• Chicago (121) is allowing the 2nd most rushing yards per game through three weeks. And this week they go up against Ashton Jeanty.
• Dallas (300) is allowing the most passing yards per game. I hope Jordan Love is ready!
• The Giants (272.7) are allowing the 3rd most passing yards per game. Justin Herbert time.
• New England (272) is allowing the 4th most passing yards per game, facing Bryce Young in Week 4.

Allllll of this to say: We’re taking the best over/under matchups accordingly. LOCK IT IN!

• Spencer Rattler Passing Yards: Under 209.5
• Aaron Rodgers Passing Yards: Under 202.5
• Trevor Lawrence Passing Yards: Under 225.5
• Jahmyr Gibbs Rushing Yards: Under 63.5
• Ashton Jeanty Rushing Yards: Over 65.5
• Jordan Love Passing Yards: Over 230.5
• Justin Herbert Passing Yards: Over 256.5
• Bryce Young Passing Yards: Over 205.5

The Most: Annoying ATDs +40625 (406ish-to-1)

With the Rams’ uptick in Blake Corum‘s usage, Derrick Henry’s recent 4th-quarter-fumbles, Sean Payton’s unpredictable array of WRs, and Miami’s… Well, everything… It’s not hard to imagine these four legs coming to fruition.

And it sure would piss me off if they did!

PSA: If these odds scare you, you’re close minded and f*cking boring.

THREE of these guys have already scored this year. And that’s more than Puka Nacua can say for himself…

Anytime Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Blake Corum +310
• Justice Hill +500
• Marvin Mims +330
• Ollie Gordon II +285

The Unluckiest: Ball Catchers +16155 (161ish-to-1)

These guys keep catching a lot of balls, but never in the end zone.

Un-f*cking-lucky.

But that won’t scare me off of this 5-leg parlay. Why? Because scared money don’t make money, baby!

Anytime Touchdowns - 5 legs

• Chris Olave +260
• Puka Nacua +100
• Jakobi Meyers +135
• Jake Ferguson +215
• Marquise Brown +205

The Most: Likely to Score +3088 (30ish-to-1)

Sometimes, you just have to give in to the pressures of the world. When the odds are good, you acquiesce and place your bets.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t stack the odds together in an attempt to stack the odds against us! By the power of these small odds combined, a +3000!

Remember: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Anytime Touchdowns - 8 legs

• James Cook -205
• Jahmyr Gibbs -180
• Bijan Robinson -180
• Jonathan Taylor -205
• Christian McCaffrey -190
• Derrick Henry -165
• Josh Jacobs -210
• J.K. Dobbins -155

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for Justice Hill, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.