I stood paralyzed in aisle 23 at Target.

I'd recently moved into a new home with a lot of flooring, necessitating a new mop. I hadn't given the purchase any consideration prior to arriving at Target. After all, it's a mop and a bucket, a mundane affair.

But Target stocks a dozen mop choices. String mops. Sponge mops. Strip mops. Flat mops. Spray mops. Now what?  

Despite having little practical knowledge of mopping, I quickly attempted to break down my (presumed) qualities of an excellent mop: absorbency, durability, versatility, and cleaning efficiency.  But that's a lot of variables applied to a lot of different styles of mops, creating a confounding mental matrix that only stupefied me further.

Pivoting, I conjured history's greatest mopper: Cinderella. Because her evil stepmother was a domineering, Type-A control freak, Cinderella had to be a tremendous mopper, leaving gleaming, particle-free floors.  

Cinderella used a traditional string mop and a wooden bucket. And my wife isn't nearly as demanding as Lady Tremaine. If it's good enough for Cinderella, it's good enough for me.  

I reached for the most basic mop Target sells, a garden-variety string mop. $18—still a lot for a basic mop, but cheaper than most. And that's when my wife entered aisle 23.  

"What are you doing?" she demanded, accusatorially.  

"I've picked a mop," I answered, brandishing my cheap string mop like a rapier, pointing it at her face, swishing it in the air.

"No! We need a mop system," she implored. It never dawned on me that there'd be a system for mops.

She beelined for a large box boasting a totally new, life-changing mop experience. "This is the mop of my dreams!" she gushed.  

"Your wet dreams involve mopping?" I asked. Apparently, I've been doing it wrong since I was 14.

She pulled a $65 contraption off the shelf with dual-layered buckets and some kind of twirling mechanism. "You wring the mop with your foot!"  

And here, I've been wringing with my arms, like some kind of prehistoric cave man. I felt like an old man.

$65 later, I was the owner of a mopping system. In my world, that's 11 entries into a $3 best ball tournament.  

Once home, I mopped with all four appendages, like the kids do, apparently. During this mundane task, I thought to myself, "There must be a way I can turn this $65 fiasco into a fantasy football learning experience. Are there old players who can wring one more year out of their career?"

And with that, my Fantasy Life readers, I present seven old men, along with my predictions of their ability to wring the mop one more time.

Can These Fantasy Football Veterans Wring Out One More Strong Season?

Joe Mixon | RB | HOU

• Age: 29
• Career touches: 2,313

There's plenty of reason for concern with Joe Mixon, but hopefully it won't matter due to his likely high volume in Houston. The Texans' OL was awful last year and doesn't look any better this season. Last year, Houston ranked 30th in ESPN's Run Block Win Rate and 27th in PFF's run-blocking rating. Also worrisome, Mixon ran out of gas last year.  Over his final six games, he dropped to 29th in rushing yards, 31st in yards per carry, and 25th in avoided tackle rate.

Prediction: Wringing mop.

Alvin Kamara | RB | NO

• Age: 30
• Career touches: 2,242 

Kamara got dealt a tough hand last year.  His offensive line was battered and ineffective. His quarterback play was dreadful once Derek Carr was lost. And every starting Saints receiver was knocked out. But Kamara played gallantly—despite all that. Kamara posted his highest yards per carry in three years. His 18% broken tackle rate wasn't great, but it was identical to Saquon Barkley and James Cook. He ranked as PFF's RB19, after finishing as RB28, RB31, and RB50 the previous three years. The addition of first-round left tackle Kelvin Banks should make an immediate impact. Even with Chris Olave and Rashid Shaheed expected to be healthy for Week 1, Kamara's going to have to carry much of the burden of the offense, and he should see something close to the 296 touches he had last year.

Prediction: Wringing mop.

James Conner | RB | ARI

• Age: 30
• Career touches: 1,663

I keep thinking the end is neigh for James Conner, but he keeps defying me with his strong play. We saw few, if any, signs of decline from Conner last season. He finished third-best in avoided tackle rate (28.8%), which accelerates to No. 1 if we tighten the radius to players with at least 160 carries. His 4.6 yards per carry ranked 13th-best and was the second-highest of his career. He's coming off a career high 236 carries—but that's a very reasonable number for an NFL starter, and his 1,663 career touches pale in comparison to other 30-year-olds, like Alvin Kamara. The Cardinals didn't add any substantive free agents or rookies in the offseason. Conner likely starts the season as the Cardinals bellcow, and unless Trey Benson is a lot better as a sophomore, Conner will hold the job all year.

Prediction: Wringing mop.

Tyreek Hill | WR | MIA

• Age: 31
• Career touches: 1,022

Hill's play fell off a cliff last year, and it'll take nards of steel to draft him anywhere close to his previous seasons' ADP. Let's address the Tua excuse now. Yes, losing Tua Tagovailoa for five games was a contributing factor, but in 12 games with Tua, he only had two top-10 finishes versus five finishes at WR30 or worse. Reek posted a career low PFF grade, 38 fewer receptions, and 840 fewer yards than the previous year. Always known for explosive plays, his yards after catch dropped to 3.6, only 35th-best among starting wideouts. Despite playing all 17 games, he posted six-year lows in receptions, yards, and explosive plays of 20+ yards.

Prediction: Broken mop.

Davante Adams | WR | LAR

• Age: 32
• Career touches: 1,029

Dude's still got it. Last season, Adams didn't look different from his previous outstanding seasons. Despite awful Raiders' quarterbacking to start the season, followed by indiscriminate volume passing from Aaron Rodgers, Adams posted a 60% catch rate, his highest level since his heyday in Green Bay. Speaking of the good old days, Adams moves into the best offense he's seen since his Packers days. Sean McVay and Matthew Stafford represent massive upgrades for Adams. In Los Angeles, Adams will run many of Cooper Kupp's vacated routes from the slot. With New York last year, Adams ran more slot routes than outside routes. I'll note that last year's drop rate was unusually high, 10%. But there are few other metrics to suggest a dropoff.

Prediction: Wringing mop.

Travis Kelce | TE | KC

• Age: 35
• Career touches: 1,191

Travis Kelce didn't fall off a cliff last year, but we're all witnessing a gentle slide into retirement. I credit him for staying healthy once again—one of his best, most bankable qualities. But the eye test tells us that Kelce is slowing down, and some key metrics back that up. Per Next Gen Stats, his yards per catch plummeted to just 3.7, down from 5.2 the year before. Kelce's separation dropped from 3.7 yards to 3.2 yards. And he fell from fifth to 13th in end zone target percentage, which helps explain why he only scored three touchdowns. At age 35, it would be nearly unprecedented for Kelce to reverse these trends.

Prediction: Broken mop.

Adam Thielen | WR | CAR

• Age: 35
• Career touches: 729

Despite being the oldest player on this list, I think/hope we can wring out one more good season from Adam Thielen. Weeks ago, he confessed that this is probably his final season. But damn, he was downright magnificent upon his return from last year's hamstring injury. From Week 13 forward, Theilen was PFF WR11 and PPR WR20. He made two astounding, circus catches from Bryce Young, the likes of which few players can replicate. The drafting of Tetairoa McMillan doesn't change my outlook for Thielen, who'll enter the season with all the advantages that come with his veteran skillset and 2024 season under Dave Canales.

Prediction: Wringing mop.

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