Before you start questioning the odds of these Scared Money bets, just know one thing: We’re here to break our previous record.

I’ve got a taste for the Scared Money sweats and I can’t be stopped!

This is about the dopamine hits. This is about the full-game sweats! And if your whopping-mega-big-balls are brass enough… Boy, do I have the parlays for you.

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Scared Money Parlay #1: Don’t be a Pushy (+204950 or 2,049.5-to-1 odds)

Wager: $0.22

To Win: $451.11

Remember the Tush Push ban? It thankfully never came to fruition and we're going to celebrate with a +200000!!

All nine teams (read: dawgs) below believed in the sanctity of the game and voted wisely, preserving the Tush Push — and we're putting our money on them to win in Week 1.

YEAH. SOME OF THEM AREN'T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING FAVORED. I KNOW! SO WHAT!?

If rooting for the right cause scares you off, then you never deserved a Scared Money bet to begin with…

Oh? Why wager $0.22? There were 22 lil' whiney baby b*tch teams who wanted to ban the Tush Push. I’m dropping 22 cents in their honor. Pus*ies.

Week 1 Moneylines - 9 legs

• CLE Browns +195
• NO Saints +240
• NY Jets +136
• JAX Jaguars -180
• MIA Dolphins -105
• NE Patriots -155
• TEN Titans +330
• DET Lions +124
• BAL Ravens -125

Scared Money Parlay #2: Backfield Boys (+17141, or 171.41-to-1)

Wager: $0.10

To Win:$17.24

Every year we wonder about backfields. But when it comes to touchdowns, workloads don't mean sh*t.

While everyone's rooting for their measly little -150 Any Time Touchdowns to hit… We're going to sweat bullets with pride. So, instead of waiting to see how these backfields shake out, we’re putting our money on it.

Who needs a Breece Hall or JK Dobbins ATD when you can have…

Any Time Touchdowns - 5 legs

• Braelon Allen +250
• Rhamondre Stevenson +155
• RJ Harvey +170
• David Montgomery +165
• Jordan Mason +170

Scared Money Parlay #3: Feelin’ Pitty  +2500 (or 25-to-1)

Wager: $0.80

To Win: $20.80

I've talked sh*t about Kyle Pitts all offseason long. So, maybe I'm just hedging my bets on this one. Or maybe, just maybe… I want full-throttle insanity.

After watching Jalen Carter get ejected after 6 seconds of game play in the first matchup of the season, I want more chaos. I NEED IT.

Nothing spells chaos quite like a multi-touchdown game from Kyle Pitts. Who knows… Maybe all of the hype he's gotten from Michael Penix Jr. this offseason pays off in the first week. Anything can happen.

And if we're lucky, it'll happen twice.

2+ Any Time Touchdowns

• Kyle Pitts +2500

Scared Money Parlay #4: This Parlay Has Some Legs (+9951 or basically 100-to-1)

Wager: $0.10

To Win: $10.05

One of these is not like the others, but… he could be?

Bryce Young ran into the end zone 5 times in his final 6 games last season. FIVE.

That’s the only bit of hope that I need to lock this one in.

Rushing Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Jayden Daniels +170
• Justin Fields +200
• Josh Allen -110
• Bryce Young +550

Scared Money Parlay #5: Tis But A Flesh Wound (+9833 or 98.3-to-1)

Wager: $0.10

To Win: $9.93

Are we really going to let a few offseason injuries and “questionable” tags scare us away? Never. (Except for Christian McCaffrey… wth)

These players have all been designated as injured at some point throughout the offseason. And I think it’s time for a little ATD comeback.

What? Are you scared?

Any Time Touchdowns - 5 legs

• Tetairoa McMillan +170
• Calvin Ridley +265
• Malik Nabers +145
• DeVon Achane -140
• Justin Jefferson +140

Scared Money Parlay #6: Double Dawg Dare Ya (+34900 or 349-to-1)

Wager: $0.10

To Win: $35.00

There are three players who are very familiar with scoring multiple touchdowns in a game.

Here's to hoping they can all sync up and get the job done together in Week 1.

2+ Any Time Touchdowns

• Ja'Marr Chase +400
• Josh Allen +600
• Terry McLaurin +900

Scared Money Parlay #7: Sweat Brothers (+18684, or 186.84-to-1)

Wager: $0.69

To Win: $129.61

Scared Money was never a phase, mom! It's a lifestyle!

We’re living for the moment when these guys almost score, our breath stops midway inside of our lungs, and as a collective we all feel like one. Together.

United in the sweat.

No matter where you are, if these guys score… we become blood brothers. NAY! Sweat brothers. Me, personally? I'll be in the New Orleans Superdome on Sunday sweating this one out live.

Whatdya say? Sweat with me, bro!

Any Time Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Ricky Pearsall +165
• Dont'e Thornton Jr. +360
• Rashid Shaheed +360
• Ollie Gordon II +235

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for the Falcons, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.