
Want to add a little spice to your fantasy football weekend? for less than $5? Gaze into the magical SALMAGUNDI

Before you start questioning the odds of these Scared Money bets, just know one thing: We’re here to break our previous record.
I’ve got a taste for the Scared Money sweats and I can’t be stopped!

Close your eyes. I want you to think of our parlays as a giant charcuterie board. No one wants to snack on a fruit tray. We need variety! So let’s mix things up and put a little bit of everything into our parlay.
We have some of the most notable WR plays happening this week, an ATD from Mahomes’ sole receiver, a couple of moneylines, and the man-myth-legend Tyler Warren catching a couple of balls. (Warning: you’ll have to root for the Cowboys)
This feels too easy. So I threw an entire f*cking dollar on it to boost my sweat. THE SALMAGUNDI IS BACK!

This is our biggest bet of the week, AND IT ISN’T EVEN THAT CRAZY. All of these QBs scored a rushing TD in Week 1. In fact, a couple of them scored two!
Week 1 Rushing QB Production:
Sure, Caleb Williams sticks out like a sore thumb, but a rushing stat line of 6-58-1(!) against MIN has caught my eye.
Could we have taken the easy route and just locked in a -155 bet on Jalen Hurts scoring a rushing TD? Yes. But where's the fun in that?? It doesn't scare me one f*cking bit. I need the sweat of a +13000
Take me to the promised land, Caleb!

Ever heard of unrealized air yards?! Yea, well these guys have. In Week 1, they led the league in this unfortunate stat line!
But instead of blaming CeeDee Lamb for his drops or Seattle's o-line, we're going to bet on this elite group of WRs to keep the ship afloat. They’re going to catch all those balls and realize every single yard. I just know it. I can feel it in my plums!
Even with the incomplete targets, some of these Air Buds were still able to hold their place at the top of the leaderboards in Week 1.
So when it comes to receiving yards, I'm taking all of the Overs. Let's go, Air Buds. WOOF WOOF!

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: Eagles score first, Eagles score a lot, Saquon dominates, and Eagles win.
The Chiefs were surprisingly quiet in the first half of Week 1. But they were also pretty quiet in the first half of the Super Bowl…
So, with an LIX rematch this weekend, I’m putting my money on the Eagles pressing “replay” and finding similar successes throughout their Super Bowl rematch on Sunday.

Ian Hartitz’s Sheesh Report lives on in Scared Money bets.
We’re placing a 5-leg ATD bet on some sheeshy guys who were tackled at the 1-yard line, but did not score a TD in the same drive in Week 1. COME ON!
If you can't stand for a bet like this, you'll fall for anything (Just like they did at the 1-yard line, probably).
In sheesh we trust! (Hey Ford, Don’t f*ck this up.)

It can take time to build up our arousal for huge fantasy outputs. Don't rush it.
Sure, most of these guys were probably drafted in the first round of two of your drafts. Watching Chase, Brown, St. Brown, and Collins combine for fewer fantasy points than Quentin Johnston in Week 1 f*cking sucked. But we're not just trying to get to the finish line. Let's enjoy the process.
They'll score. We just need it to happen this week.
NOTE: Scared Money side effects may include rooting for the Cowboys, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.