Before you start questioning the odds of these Scared Money bets, just know one thing: We’re here to break our previous record.

I’ve got a taste for the Scared Money sweats and I can’t be stopped!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

The Salmagundi is Back (+5792 odds, or 58-to-1)

Close your eyes. I want you to think of our parlays as a giant charcuterie board. No one wants to snack on a fruit tray. We need variety! So let’s mix things up and put a little bit of everything into our parlay.

We have some of the most notable WR plays happening this week, an ATD from Mahomes’ sole receiver, a couple of moneylines, and the man-myth-legend Tyler Warren catching a couple of balls. (Warning: you’ll have to root for the Cowboys)

This feels too easy. So I threw an entire f*cking dollar on it to boost my sweat. THE SALMAGUNDI IS BACK!

9-leg salmagundi

• DAL Moneyline
• CIN Moneyline
• BAL Moneyline
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba Receiving yards 50+
• Marquise Brown ATD
• CeeDee Lamb Receiving yards 60+
• Zay Flowers Receiving yards 50+
• Marvin Harrison Jr. Receiving yards OVER 55.5
• Tyler Warren Receptions 4+

KONAMI CODE (+13160 or 132-to-1)

This is our biggest bet of the week, AND IT ISN’T EVEN THAT CRAZY. All of these QBs scored a rushing TD in Week 1. In fact, a couple of them scored two!

Week 1 Rushing QB Production:

• Lamar Jackson (6-70-1)
• Jalen Hurts (14-62-2)
• Josh Allen (14-30-2)
• Justin Fields (12-48-2)
• Caleb Williams (6-58-1)

Sure, Caleb Williams sticks out like a sore thumb, but a rushing stat line of 6-58-1(!) against MIN has caught my eye.

Could we have taken the easy route and just locked in a -155 bet on Jalen Hurts scoring a rushing TD? Yes. But where's the fun in that?? It doesn't scare me one f*cking bit. I need the sweat of a +13000

Take me to the promised land, Caleb!

Any Time Touchdowns - 5 legs

• Lamar Jackson +155
• Jalen Hurts -150
• Josh Allen -125
• Justin Fields +155
• Caleb Williams +500

Air Buds! (+2053 or 21-to-1)

Ever heard of unrealized air yards?! Yea, well these guys have. In Week 1, they led the league in this unfortunate stat line!

But instead of blaming CeeDee Lamb for his drops or Seattle's o-line, we're going to bet on this elite group of WRs to keep the ship afloat. They’re going to catch all those balls and realize every single yard. I just know it. I can feel it in my plums!

Even with the incomplete targets, some of these Air Buds were still able to hold their place at the top of the leaderboards in Week 1.

• CeeDee Lamb 110 yards (5th)
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba 124 yards (3rd)

So when it comes to receiving yards, I'm taking all of the Overs. Let's go, Air Buds. WOOF WOOF!

Receiving Yards - 5 legs

• CeeDee Lamb Over 77.5
• Malik Nabers Over 75.5
• Ja'Marr Chase Over 85.5
• Brian Thomas Jr Over 67.5
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba Over 63.5

SBLIX Rematch  +3400

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: Eagles score first, Eagles score a lot, Saquon dominates, and Eagles win.

The Chiefs were surprisingly quiet in the first half of Week 1. But they were also pretty quiet in the first half of the Super Bowl…

So, with an LIX rematch this weekend, I’m putting my money on the Eagles pressing “replay” and finding similar successes throughout their Super Bowl rematch on Sunday.

8-leg parlay

• PHI Eagles Moneyline 1st Quarter
• PHI Eagles Moneyline 2nd Quarter
• Over 46.5
• Saquon Barkley 2+ TDs
• PHI Eagles Race to 10 Points
• Jalen Hurts ATD
• PHI Moneyline
• Over 2.5 PHI Eagles team total touchdowns

Sheesh (+3199 or 32-to-1)

Ian Hartitz’s Sheesh Report lives on in Scared Money bets.

We’re placing a 5-leg ATD bet on some sheeshy guys who were tackled at the 1-yard line, but did not score a TD in the same drive in Week 1. COME ON!

If you can't stand for a bet like this, you'll fall for anything (Just like they did at the 1-yard line, probably).

In sheesh we trust! (Hey Ford, Don’t f*ck this up.)

Any Time Touchdowns - 5 legs
 

• James Cook -130
• Chase Brown -170
• Jonathan Taylor -135
• James Conner -155
• Jerome Ford +310

1st Round Foreplay (+2089 or 21-to-1)

It can take time to build up our arousal for huge fantasy outputs. Don't rush it.

Sure, most of these guys were probably drafted in the first round of two of your drafts. Watching Chase, Brown, St. Brown, and Collins combine for fewer fantasy points than Quentin Johnston in Week 1 f*cking sucked. But we're not just trying to get to the finish line. Let's enjoy the process.

They'll score. We just need it to happen this week.

Any Time Touchdowns - 4 legs

• Ja'Marr Chase -140
• A.J. Brown +170
• Amon-Ra St. Brown +115
• Nico Collins +120

NOTE: Scared Money side effects may include rooting for the Cowboys, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.