While I still have my wits about me, I just wanted to say that these sweats have been such an intense amount of dopamine and joy. But moving into Week 9, I need to accept the fact that I just might be losing it - My mind, that is.

This time next week, you may not even hear from me. (Read on to find out why…)

I may have to undergo a procedure after the noon slate concludes. Hopefully not. But if I do… Remember me fondly.

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Don't Call It A… +3459 (34.5-to-1)

Everyone loves a good comeback, right? Seabiscuit… The Mighty Ducks…

CMC Comeback: One of the most consistent players this season has been Christian McCaffrey. He's finished as the RB9 or better every single week (RB4, RB5, RB 8, RB8, RB6, RB9, RB1). Well, every week EXCEPT for Week 8. While CMC only fell down to RB28 against Houston, he's set to "bounce back" into top 10 territory against a measly Giants defense (allowing 25 FPPG to RBs) in Week 9.

Puka Nacua's Comeback: We haven't seen Puka since his Week 6. Weeks 1-5 he was consistently finishing WR8 or better (WR7, WR6, WR8, WR1, WR7). But Puka must have heard about the QB switch in New Orleans, because he's set to return against the Saints in Week 9. And it's possible the Rams' offense sees the field more than usual. What also means it's possible for Puka to return to his double digit receptions.

Bijan Robinson Comeback: Bijan was a lock for a bajillion rushing yards and 2 TDs against Miami in Week 8. So, naturally… he gave us 25 yards. But I forgive him. Because after six straight weeks as the RB14 or better, I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't return to that elite production in Week 9. NE's defense is much better against the run, but I'm not scared… Remember?

Justin Jefferson comeback: The last time Jefferson scored was Week 1. His QB? J.J. McCarthy. Which QB is set to return in Week 9 for the Vikings? J.J. McCarthy.

Everyone loves a good comeback.

• Christian McCaffrey: ATD
• Christian McCaffrey: Rushing + Receiving Yards 120+
• Puka Nacua: ATD
• Puka Nacua: Receptions 8+
• Bijan Robinson: ATD
• Bijan Robinson: Rushing + Receiving Yards 100+
• Justin Jefferson: ATD

Dress Bet for the Game You Want +4600 (46-to-1)

We'll never have the pleasure of a Bills vs Chiefs Super Bowl since they're in the same conference. That's why, every time KC and BUF play each other, I go out of my way to pretend like it's the "big game."

I dress up. I cook. I grab loads of beer. The commercials aren't worth sh*t, but otherwise, it's a great time!

This week, I'm taking a page out of the "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" mentality. And this, my sweaty little friends, is the game that I want to see.

Bet for the game you want.

• Josh Allen Passing TDs: OVER 1.5
• Patrick Mahomes Passing TDs: OVER 1.5
• Rashee Rice Receiving Yards: OVER 71.5
• Khalil Shakir Receiving Yards: OVER 49.5
• James Cook Rushing Yards: OVER 75.5
• JuJu Smith-Schuster Receiving Yards: OVER 11.5
• Rashee Rice ATD
• James Cook ATD

One More For The Road +900 (9-to1)

Arizona's very own TE1 missed out on National Tight End Day. And he had a lot to say about it.

I know the Cowboys aren't allowing a ton of points specifically to Tight Ends (12.4 FPPG). But dem boys ARE the worst in the league against WRs (41.1 FPPG). And follow my logic here, but Trey McBride is basically his team's WR1…

Trey McBride:

• 66 targets
• 47 receptions
• 421 yards
• 4 TDs

Marvin Harrison Jr. AND Michael Wilson combined:

• 67 targets
• 39 receptions
• 532 yards
• 3 TDs

LOCK IT IN, BABY!

• Trey McBride: 2+ TDs
• Trey McBride: 70+ Receiving Yards

Live, Laugh, Lobotomy -120

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 9 times… Well… Just go ahead and give me a f*cking lobotomy. Because I don't want to remember it.

You guessed it: We're putting an Anytime Touchdown bet on TreVeyon Henderson in Week 9.

Rhamondre Stevenson is sidelined with a toe injury. Henderson has received praise for being "fast." This could be the week, folks. But I f*cking swear, if Terrell Jennings gets goal line touches over Henderson, my next article might come out as gibberish from the brain damage.

Wagering $3.20, because my eyes will be burning holes into the back of Henderson's #32 jersey all game long…

Oh… She IS Losing It +1200 (12-to-1)

As if believing in TreVeyon Henderson for an ATD wasn't enough… I threw a couple more cents on Henderson having the breakout game that everyone wants to see.

It's unhinged. And yet, it's my favorite Scared Money bet of the week.

• TreVeyon Henderson: First TD Scorer
• TreVeyon Henderson: 2+ TDs

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for Patriots RBs, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.