WELL THAT SETTLES IT. I'M NEVER TRUSTING TREVEYON HENDERSON EVER AGAIN.

While the Patriots figure out what the f*ck they're doing in that godforsaken backfield, we're going to move on to BIGGER, BETTER and SCARIER things.

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Scared Money Bets for Week 10

Bread & Butter +1800

Everyone wants to find reasons to NOT believe in Rashid Shaheed in Week 10.

1. "The Seattle Seahawks can't play the Washington Commanders every week." (Wouldn't that be nice??)
2. "The Cardinals have been tough against WRs."
3. "Shaheed just joined the team mere DAYS ago.”
4. "Tory Horton stepped up into the WR2 role after scoring 2 TDs in Week 9."
5. "Hellooooo, there's still Jaxon Smith-Njigba on the field!"

STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!

It's OK to look for silver linings, sometimes. Damn. Here's a few:

Sam Darnold has been absolutely incredible this season.

• Deep passes? He's completing 'em.
• 20+-yard passes? He's got weapons for 'em.

Not to mention, Darnold's deep passes are Shaheed's bread and butter. And Shaheed's post-Saints reunion with Klint Kubiak is bound to be epic, right?

Sure, sex is fun and all … but have you ever wished for a 50+yard Rashid Shaheed TD and gotten it?

I have. So, why not two?

Anytime Touchdowns:

• Rashid Shaheed 2+ TDs

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Tush Push Payback +1100

Remember when the Packers-initiated vote to ban the Tush Push failed this offseason? I REMEMBER! And payback is finally here in Week 10 as the Eagles face GB … In Lambeau, no less.

There's no f*cking way Jalen Hurts doesn't attempt several tush pushes against the team that tried to demonize the play just a few months ago.

And there's no f*cking way I won't be betting on it. I LOVE PAYBACK. And I love a good storyline.

If we wanted to play it safe, we could put a simple ATD on Jalen Hurts at +125. (And you still can, if you're a scared little b*tch.)

But that's boring as hell.

3-leg parlay:

• PHI Moneyline
• Jalen Hurts 2+ TDs
• Jalen Hurts 25+ Rushing Yards

13 / 13 Vision +10646

Imagine a 13-leg parlay that incorporates one leg from every game remaining in Week 10.

Now, imagine a 13-leg parlay that gets increasingly more risky as the games kick off.

We start off easy with the early-morning game in Berlin, push it into medium gear for the mid-day games and get bold for the Sunday/Monday night games.

Look, if I gave you a bouquet of 13 roses, you’d be blushing … 13 legs is no different.

It almost feels romantic, doesn’t it?

Every game parlay—13 legs:

• Jonathan Taylor 60+ rushing yards
• Josh Allen 4+ rushing attempts
• Alvin Kamara 8+ rushing attempts
• Cade Otton 3+ receptions
• Justin Jefferson 60+ receiving yards
• Wan’Dale Robinson 40+ receiving yards
• Travis Etienne Jr. 40+ rushing yards
• Quinshon Judkins 60+ rushing yards
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba 80+ receiving yards
• Amon-Ra St. Brown ATD
• Kyren Williams 60+ rushing yards
• Jalen Hurts ATD
• Jaylen Warren 12+ rushing attempts

Rookies Are Hot Again +28864

Don’t make me explain myself.

But if I must…

Colston Loveland.

• PRO: Broke out with 6-118-2 in Week 9.
• PRO: The Giants defense is allowing the 9th most passing yards.
• CON: Cole Kmet is back from concussion, but Scared Money Don’t Make Money

Bhayshul Tuten.

• PRO: Saw his largest rushing role in Week 9, with 9 attempts.
• PRO: Scored his 2nd TD of the year in Week 9.
• CON: Faces a tough HOU defense, but Scared Money Don’t Make Money

Quinshon Judkins.

• PRO: Faces an abysmal run defense that just lost more key players at the trade deadline.
• PRO: Scored 3 TDs against his previous “abysmal run D” in Week 7.
• CON: Suffered a shoulder injury in Week 8, but Scared Money Don’t Make Money

Tory Horton.

• PRO: Scored 2 TDs in Week 9.
• PRO: Has scored a TD in 50% of his games this season.
• PRO: Stepping up into the WR2 role with Cooper Kupp hurt.
• CON: Rashid Shaheed is joining the offense and has rapport with Klint Kubiak, but Scared Money Don’t Make Money

Oronde Gadsden II.

• PRO: Scored in two of his last three outings.
• PRO: The Steelers defense is very friendly to TEs.
• CON: The Chargers have a lot of key playmakers who could steal the spotlight any given week, but Scared Money Don’t Make Money

You get the idea. Rookies are hot again!

Anytime Touchdowns—5 legs:

• Colston Loveland ATD
• Bhayshul Tuten ATD
• Quinshon Judkins ATD
• Tory Horton ATD
• Oronde Gadsden II ATD

Friends Who Parlay Together +63477

Some friends are great at Wordle. Others are good sh*t talkers. And some just love to use the soap emoji in everyday conversations.

No matter how different they are, we can all agree on one thing: Parlays are fun.

So my friends built one for me. And I’ll tell you what … At +63477, they understood the assignment.

*gulp*

Here’s what my leaguemates and friends cooked up:

🧼Josh Allen Rushing Yards OVER 27.5

🧼Rashid Shaheed 5+ receptions

🧼IND Colts Moneyline

🧼Bryce Young ATD

🧼Devaughn Vele ATD

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for Devaughn Vele??, nausea\ and extreme 4th-quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.

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