Scared Money Don't Make Money: NFL Futures Edition
Cooterdoodle shares her favorite bold future parlays for the 2026 NFL season—no playing it safe allowed!
And just like that, SCARED MONEY IS BACK! Eight fully erect future bets to get you through the season.
What? Too afraid to put a little money on the line? Do multi-digit odds frighten you? Can't handle the mounting pressures of a season-long bet?
Remember, this is all about the sweat. Nothing's sweatier than an 8-leg parlay that won't finalize until next year.
So if you're brave enough, feast your eyes on this week's NFL Future parlays ranging from +2333 to +324719 (I'm not kidding). Got a problem with those odds?? Hmm. You're starting to sound a little scared.
The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:
- May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
- Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
- No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.
For today's bets, I threw in a mix of DraftKings and FanDuel futures to fulfill my need for the sweat.
New Team, New Futures +5788
Wager: $0.10
To win: $5.88
I loooove rooting for an old guy on a shiny, new team! The possibilities are endless. Will Evan Engram become Sean Payton's "Taysom Hill 2.0"? I dunno!! But I want to see it happen! All of these offenses will benefit from their new weapons. So why shouldn't we take a shot at benefiting from their new weapons, too??
Welcome to your new homes, gentlemen. I'm rooting for you!
5+ Regular Season Receiving TDs
- Cooper Kupp -175
- Stefon Diggs -130
- Deebo Samuel -130
- Evan Engram +160
- George Pickens -240
- Christian Kirk +225
The Future is All Legs +11897
Wager: $0.10
To Win: $11.99
We all knowww these guys can run. The question is: Can they score while doing it?
Hear me out… This exact bet would have been only 7 total rushing TDs away from cashing in 2024. ONLY SEVEN! As much as Kyler Murray scares me in fantasy football, he's not the one we need to see improvement from this season. We just need Bo Nix, Jayden Daniels, and Lamar Jackson to get us over the hump in 2025. Come on boys, run a little (more)!
5+ Regular Season Rushing TDs
- Kyler Murray +115
- Bo Nix +150
8+ Regular Season Rushing TDs
- Jalen Hurts -1400
- Josh Allen -525
- Lamar Jackson +400
- Jayden Daniels +250
Divisional Winners +77027
Wager: $0.10
To Win: $77.12
Alright. I know what you're thinking. I didn't go "chalk" on this one. Why? BECAUSE THAT'S BORING AS F*CK.
We're not here to take it easy. We're here to take chances. Scared money don't make money, remember?
Soooo what if the Vikings have a brand new QB who hasn't played a full game in the NFL? Soooo what if the Bengals are in the same division as the Ravens? We're not going with the odds on this one … at least, not fully.
I mean, come on! Imagine the bragging rights if this one hits!
- AFC North: CIN +290
- AFC East: BUF -330
- AFC South: HOU +105
- AFC West: KC -115
- NFC North: MIN +320
- NFC East: PHI -140
- NFC South: TB -120
- NFC West: LA +200
TUSH PUSH PAYBACK +324719
Wager: $0.10
To Win: $324.81
THIS ONE IS ABOUT VENGEANCE.
I WILL NEVER (and I mean never never) forgive the NFL teams who voted to ban the tush push this offseason. Even though the vote failed and the tush push remains … their transgressions will not be forgotten. It's called Tush Push Payback, b*tch.
That is why we are picking only Tush-Push-Allegiant teams to win their divisions this season. They voted like champions and they should be rewarded with wins like champions, too. It's that simple.
Damn … New Orleans is going to f*ck this up for us, aren't they?
- AFC North: BAL -170
- AFC East: NE +475
- AFC South: JAX +280
- NFC North: DET +160
- NFC East: PHI -140
- NFC South: NO +2000
Pay It Forward +2333
Wager: $5.00
To Win: $121.65
Remember all those contract signings this offseason? "George Kittle Gets Paid!" "Tee Higgins Gets His Bag!"
Yeah, well, now it's our turn.
I believe in the act of paying it forward. They got paid and we will, too! (Probably.) And if we do, free coffees on me.
6+ Regular Season Receiving TDs
6+ Regular Season Rushing TDs
8+ Regular Season Rushing TDs
10+ Regular Season Rushing TDs
100 away from 1K +13319
Wager: $1.00
To win: $133.20
Rather than trying to find "the next Saquon Barkley", maybe we can just … keep the current guys that are racking up yards on our list? Here's four guys who were within 100 rushing yards of breaking 1,000 last season. That's like … so close!!
1000+ Regular Season Rushing Yards
Do It Again, I Dare Ya +23040
Wager: $1.00
To win: $230.41
Similar to the bet above, we're looking backwards to bet forwards.
Each of these pass catchers broke the 1k mark in 2024. And given their offseason hype, I don't see why they shouldn't be able to do it again.
We just need the good Sam Darnold … not that other guy that comes out on the field in his jersey during the playoffs.
1000+ Regular Season Receiving Yards
- Calvin Ridley
- Courtland Sutton
- Brock Bowers
- Nico Collins
- Drake London
- A.J. Brown
- Amon-Ra St. Brown
- Ladd McConkey
- Terry McLaurin
- Jaxon Smith-Njigba
The Group Bet (Jeff Bell's Version) +2624
Wager: $0.60
To Win: $16.35
Why should I be the only one having all the fun? When Jeff Bell drops an 8-leg parlay in the group chat, I'm gonna tail it!
Full transparency: Jeff dropped more than $0.60. And yeah, I found that a little strange, but who am I to judge?! We never shame someone's wagers.
All we need is 6 little bitty TDs… from 8 different people. Who could be scared of that?
6+ Regular Season TDs (Rushing)
6+ Regular Season TDs (Receiving)
Taylor’s Version +1300
Wager: $1.00
To win: $13.00
COME ON! WHY NOT? 13!
If you decide to tail any of these long shots with me, just know that I’ll be white-knuckling my way through the games all season long.
Not because I’m scared!! No no no—scared money don’t make money, remember? But because I’ve had wild bets hit before and I’m a glutton for punishment. BRING ON THE SWEAT!
And if you have any Scared Money Bets of your own, please let me know. I’d love to drop a phat dime or two and tail anyone brave enough to take on the fiery gauntlet of a +20000 parlay.
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