The Art of Fantasy Football Trash Talking: More Than Insults
Cooterdoodle runs though a clever and funny series of lessons on how to talk trash with friends and foes in fantasy football leagues.
Hello, I’ve recently earned the title of Fantasy Life’s Director of Trash Talking. Well, not officially, but here’s my resume:
AS I WAS SAYING, as FL’s Director of Trash Talking, I’m here to help you with your seasonal mind games. I've developed the ultimate guide to trash talking. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Yes, it can get ugly if you're not doing things the right way.
Trash talking is an art, after all.
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Top Trash Talking Mistakes
❌Losing Hibernation Period
If you're only coming out to play (read: talk sh*t) when you're winning, you're not doing it right. No one's going to care about your jabs if you only punch from the top.
Where were all the quips when you were losing? If you go into hibernation each time you're down, and only wake up in the group chat while you're on a winning streak … Just stop.
It's cheap. And people won't be receptive to your winning trash talk, because you can't handle your losses publicly. Sorry, loser. Just trying to help.
❌Weakest Links & Little Runts
Your insults should not be biased. Let them fly just as frequently for the big dawgs as you do for the little runts.
If you're only picking on the weakest link every time you're talking trash, it gets old FAST. It comes off more as bullying, which makes us think you're actually afraid to take a risk and talk trash to the real teams in the league.
What? Are you scared?
❌ OOF … Too Far
Not everything is fair game.
You want to playfully name call and bring out your leaguemates' insecurities. Do not bring up past trauma and despair.
You know your league better than I do, so you should know what's off limits. Some jokes are off limits. Maybe read the room a little and remember that this is just a game.
❌ Giveth But No Taketh?
So you're good at yappin, but when someone else does it, you start to throw a fit?
Awww, what's wrong? The big baddie who talks sh*t can't handle when people do it back?
Sorry, buddy. If you can't take it, then you're not allowed to dish it out. Them's the rules. Otherwise, you've got a longggggg road ahead. Because the easiest target is the guy who gets all flustered and fussy when someone pokes a little fun at them.
Trash Talking Goals
Now that the cardinal sins are out of the way, let's get to the good stuff. What SHOULD you be doing to get under your league's skin? I've got ya covered:
✔️ Punch Up
The age-old motto of "punching up" as the preferred method of insulting is tried and true. It's usually safe to go after the one who is in power (read: the undefeated heroes of your league). Sure, you can take a few jabs and the guy at the bottom of your league's rankings, too. But that's low-hanging fruit, and it often doesn't reap the same rewards.
Trying taking a few shots at the big man on top. It's more fun that way.
Plus, you don't want them to get too comfortable up there.
✔️ Keep Punching Even When You're Down
Don't let your losing streak get in the way of you and some damn good trash talking!
You haven't won a game yet?? That's fine! Remind your opponent that if you suck so badly and if they can't beat you, they're the pathetic one.
Or poke fun at your biggest draft busts. OR remind everyone that even if you may not be coming for the trophy, you'll still ruin their records.
It doesn't matter WHAT you're talking about, just as long as you don't stop talking trash when you're down. No one wants to only see your arrogance when you're up. Keep punching, baby!
✔️ Punch Yourself … No, Really.
The most fun you can have (besides winning) is poking a little fun at yourself. Not only is it nice to get ahead of your league in doing so, but it shows them that you're a team player.
You can dish it. You can take it. And you can recognize your own faults just as easily as anyone else's. No hubris here!
Don't just take my word for it: I spent a TON of FAAB in a fever dreamed-haze after Week 1. I didn't try to sweep that under the rug. NO WAY.
✔️ Don't Be Afraid To Brag
Look, at the end of the day, you may never win again. Technically speaking, anything can happen. Injuries. Bad matchups. ANYTHING.
So don't be afraid to ride the hot hand and talk trash while you still can. A 3-0 record could easily turn into 3-3. Don't wait so late that you miss your chance. I didn't.
Types of Trash Talk
Alright, now that you know the DOs and DON'Ts of trash talking, here are some of my favorite types of trash talk. You need to tailor it to your own personal needs and leagues, but generally speaking, these are the most fun.
Matchups
Talk trash with your weekly opponents. Side bet, anyone? Put a little something on the line.
Lineups
Oh, come on. Even the BEST teams make mistakes. You can find something to poke fun at if you scroll through your league's lineups.
Draft Results
Warning: This one hurts. But if you're brave enough to go back in to your draft results and see who your league (and you) missed out on … It will definitely give you some ammo for your insults. Just be careful, it could backfire.
Playing Favorites
Everyone's got their favorite team or player each year. The more vocal they are about it, the more fun it is to poke fun at their fandom when they're down. (Sorry, Bears fans) (Sorry Steelers fans) (Sorry Panthers fans)
Trash Talk Made With Love <3
LISTEN UP! Trash talk is a love language.
It's MY love language. And by love, I mean that the best trash talk is built upon the foundations of everything our opponents love.
Let's say, for example, your friend loves the Broncos and drinking Truly. Why not make a custom video for them. Made WITH LOVE, of course.
Bragging Rights
Hey, trash talk doesn't have to be all that bad. Sometimes, you just need to remind the league how f*cking awesome you are. Whether you're showing them tweets about your late-round TE that panned out, or your Win/Loss record.
It's all fair game!
Stat Support
Cherry picking is highly encouraged. We're trash talking, here! I don't care if it's just one week's worth of data. Rub your players' successes in everyone's faces. Or maybe you want to tease the person who drafted Bryce Young. Then you can share … lots of stats.
Receipt Pull
This one is my least favorite, due to my general rule of “what happens in the trade DMs stays in the trade DMs.” But sometimes, it's too good to pass up a good receipt pull.
Or as my league likes to remind me: I said on the record that I'd never lose our league in 2023 and … I … Well … I did lose the league in 2023. Woops.
League Lore
THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE. There's nothing like an ongoing inside joke passed down through your league year after year.
If you've been playing together long enough, you've hopefully kept tabs on all of the wonderful mistakes that have occurred in your league over the years. Tear them to shreds over:
- Draft Picks that BUSTED
- Terrible Trade Offers
- Waiver Wire Blunders (FAAB not well spent)
- Too Many Homer Picks
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