I'VE GOT MY MOJO BACK, BABY!

I got lost in the sauce and had forgotten what it feels like to conjure up a completely stoooopid parlay. But this +12000 win from Week 4 rejuvenated me and I'm ready to chase more completely stupid storylines in Week 5.

If you've been sweating along with me, we were only one Jakobi Meyers TD away from cashing a +16000 last week!! (read: f&*#!)

Get out your spare change. We've got some sweats to lock in. It's time for Scared Money - Week 5.

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Triple Double Trouble +33560 (335ish-to-1)

"What's with these odds, Cooter?!" Hm. Tell me you have two little BB's in your panties without telling me.

HEAR ME OUT! It's just three f*cking legs.

Leg 1 Rationale: Jahmyr Gibbs scored 2 TDs against Baltimore in Week 3. This week, he's facing against a laughableCincinnati defense who:

• Allowed 2 rushing TDs in Week 4
• Allowed 2 rushing TDs to Jordan Mason in Week 3

Leg 2 Rationale: Garrett Wilson gets to face an absolutely embarrassingly penetrable Dallas defense who:

• Allowed 3 TDs to Romeo Doubs in Week 4
• Allowed 4 passing TDs to the Bears in Week 3

Leg 3 Rationale: And the Titans just allowed 2 TDs to Woody Marks in Week 4 and 3 TDs to Jonathan Taylor in Week 3. Sure, could it be Demercado that scores against them in Week 5? Yea. But scared money don't make money! Pick a damn side and lock it in. Michael Carter, I choose you.

Is that enough justification for you, punk? Is it?

Make the bet or don't. P*ssy.

3-leg parlay

• Jahmyr Gibbs 2+ TDs +230
• Garrett Wilson 2+ TDs +1100
• Michael Carter 2+ TDs +750

Fantasy Life Parlay +10327 (103ish-to-1)

Nothing feels better than rooting for something with someone. So, who's better than Fantasy Life's very own team members, Peter Overzet, Geoff Ulrich, Jonathan Fuller, and Ferdinando DiFino?

The prompt: "Give me 1 leg of a parlay. Any leg. I'll add em' up!" Easy enough, right? Well… When added together, we've built a 5-leg parlay with +10327 odds. Thrash threw the odds so high, I wasn't able to go any higher on the O/U for Dillon Gabriel or Tetairoa McMillan despite our contributors wanting me to.

In their defense…I did tell them it could be any leg.

LET THE GROUP SWEAT BEGIN!

5-leg parlay

• Jahmyr Gibbs ATD -215
• Dillon Gabriel Over 15+ Rushing yards -118
• Jake Ferguson ATD +135
• Tetairoa McMillan Over 61.6 Receiving Yards -112
• Jamari Thrash ATD +800 (no, they're not kidding. #SMDMM)

Fantasy Life Parlay Pt. 2 +3292 (33ish-to-1)

Just in case the Browns props don't work out... we don't want the sweat to be over before noon ET, right? RIGHT??

4-leg parlay

• Jahmyr Gibbs ATD
• Dillon Gabriel Rushing yards 25+
• Jake Ferguson ATD
• Tetairoa McMillan Receiving Yards 80+

The Life of A ScaredMoneyGirl +4252 (42.5-to-1)

I've been backing all of these bets up with statistics, odds, narratives, and anything else I can support them with. But sometimes, it's fun to f*cking live a little.

• Track 4 - Father Figure: I can't keep saying it. But I'll say it again: Josh Allen is daddy.
• Track 6 - Ruin The Friendship: Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs used to be besties, but that's long been forgotten. In Week 5, they face each other. Sounds like the perfect time for Diggs to find the endzone.
• Track 8: Wi$h Li$t: Come on. If Taylor added anything to her wish list, it's a win for Kansas City in Week 5. Let's ride the high with her!
• Track 9 - Wood: Double entendres are fun. But a Wood-related anytime touchdown would be better.
• Track 11 - Honey: Travis is going to catch a couple balls. This is a gimme.
• Namesake: De'Andre Swift is on Bye. So, Jonathan Taylor it is.

THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS, BABY!

6-leg parlay

• Jonathan Taylor ATD
• Woody Marks ATD
• Josh Allen ATD
• Stefon Diggs ATD
• KC Chiefs Moneyline
• Travis Kelce Receiving Yards 25+

Big Cleats To Fill +18923 (189ish-to-1)

Injuries suck, but the game must go on. Each of these guys have had to step it up and fill the shoes of their predecessor.

Oh… And Arizona? I went with both RBs. Because why not?

A tough parlay doesn't scare me, baby!

Anytime Touchdowns - 6-legs

• Michael Carter +105
• Emari Demercado +160
• Rachaad White +105
• George Pickens +105
• Wan'Dale Robinson +235
• Jaylen Waddle +135

It's All Over(s) +6745 (67.5-to-1)

I bet you didn't realize it, but Spencer Rattler can scoot. 

• Week 1: 4 car 29 yards
• Week 2: 4 car 14 yards
• Week 3: 2 car 10 yards
• Week: 6 car 49 yards

He hasn't scored a TD on his feet, but with the handful of rushing attempts each week, 15.5 yards are right within reach. Gimme the Over. And, well… The others seem self-explanatory given the juicy, juicy matchups.

Give me a walkie-talkie, because I'm taking the over! Over.

• Spencer Rattler Rushing Yards O/U 15.5 OVER
• Dak Prescott Passing Yards O/U 243.5 OVER
• Woody Marks Rushing Yards O/U 54.5 OVER
• Tetairoa McMillan Receiving Yards O/U 61.5 OVER
• Jared Goff Passing Touchdowns O/U 1.5 OVER

Week 5 Salmagundi +10787 (108-to-1)

Scouring through Freedman's Favorites for Week 5, I combined a few fun ones based on this week's matchups and projections.

Need I say more? No. Freedman said it all. Go check out his favorites for each position.

11-leg parlay (Most legs of the week)

• Jonathan Taylor ATD
• Ashton Jeanty Rushing Yards 65.5 OVER
• George Pickens Receiving Yards 50+
• DAL vs NY total 47.5 OVER
• James Cook ATD
• Travis Etienne Jr. Rushing Yards 60.5 OVER
• Bryce Young Passing Yards 190+
• Wan'Dale Robinson Receiving Yards 40+
• Chris Godwin Receptions 3+
• Quentin Johnston Receptions 4+
• HOU Texans Moneyline

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for Michael Carter, nausea, and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Scared Money Bets are not recommended for pregnant or nursing women as they might forget they are pregnant or nursing during the final quarter of the game. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.