Last week, we covered the big ADP (average draft position) movements in the wake of Free Agency, but this week are zooming out and taking a more spiritual approach to assessing the fallout.

If you don’t know what I mean by spiritual, you’ll understand shortly…

NFL Free Agency Winners and Losers

Winner: Kyle Pitts truthers

Gather around for a story…

Ever since Kyle Pitts was drafted fourth overall in the 2021 draft, a cult of Pitts obsessives were born. 

He was the chosen one, a TE in Calvin Johnson’s clothing who would reinvent the position and deliver us true believers unfathomable riches in the form of fantasy championships.

We selected him in the fifth round of drafts as a rookie — a price that seemed absurd to skeptics considering the historical lack of production from TEs in their first year — and he mostly delivered! 

As a rookie, he hauled in a nearly very nice 68 receptions and crested 1,000 yards receiving. But the rub? He only scored one measly TD. 

Us truthers understood the trajectory our TE savior was on. TDs are a volatile thing. He was due for regression. We doubled down even harder in Year 2 and aggressively selected him in the late-second and early-third round of drafts. We could taste the breakout. He would be our generation’s Travis Kelce and Julio Jones mashed into one mega points-generating Voltron. 

But it wasn’t meant to be. He tallied 28 receptions for 356 yards and 2 TDs before tearing his MCL in Week 11. 

Sep 10, 2023; Atlanta, Georgia, USA; Atlanta Falcons tight end Kyle Pitts (8) catches a pass against the Carolina Panthers in the second half at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Flash forward to 2023 drafts and the market was finally giving us a discount on Pitts. You could get the fourth overall pick in the seventh and eighth round of drafts!? Gimme dat. Like the Falcons hashtag, surely Pitts would #RiseUp from the ashes like a phoenix and deliver us a league-winning season in his third year. 

But, again, it wasn’t meant to be. A neutered offense directed by Arthur Smith and derailed by Desmond Ridder eroded the passing volume, and Pitts finished with a paltry 667 receiving yards and three TDs across the full 17-game season. 

The bottom had fallen out. There was no way we could martingale him again. It was time for us card-carrying truthers to give up the ghost and shift to overdrafting another TE who would never hit their potential, like Dalton Kincaid or something.

But then 2024 Free Agency happened. Arthur Blank finally said bye to the FedEx heir who loved nothing in life more than spite-funneling Jonnu Smith targets over his generational TE. The team replaced him with Sean McVay disciple and your humble narrator’s preschool pal, Zac Robinson, to lead a modern offense.

And then the real coup? They backed up the Chick-Fil-A truck for Kirk Cousins.

Cousins asked us Pitts truthers whether we “liked that!?” And we said, no Kirk…WE LOVE THAT.

Kirk Cousins then asked our hero for his No. 8 jersey. He even offered to donate a large sum of his new contract to a charity of Kyle’s choice. And Pitts said, get the hell out of here with that virtue signaling, I just want the damn ball!

And so, as if we never left, we Kyle Pitts truthers are back. We are so fucking back. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to say that in this space, but we’re going to make an editor remove it if not.

LONG LIVE Kyle Pitts. LONG LIVE THE TRUTHERS WHO ALWAYS BELIEVED. 

Loser: Justin Herbert

There are certainly QBs in worse spots than Justin Herbert right now, but no one in the league had more stripped away from them over the course of free agency than Herbert. 

He is down so bad right now, consider this:

• First, the Chargers bring in two coaches — Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman — who take every opportunity they can to let the world know that their life’s mission is to take the air out of the ball and wind back the offense to the early 1900s:

• The team then proceeds to:
  • Let pass-catching specialist Austin Ekeler walk and bring in power back Gus Edwards
  • Cut big-bodied wideout Mike Williams
  • Trade superstar WR Keenan Allen to the Bears for a fourth-round pick

If there is such a thing as QB vasectomy, Herbert just received one. 

He’ll never pass the ball again … and if he does sneak in a pass attempt or two, he’ll need to literally utter a handful of Hail Marys while the likes of Quentin Johnston, Joshua Palmer and Simi Fehoko attempt to haul it in.

Herbert has not been down this bad since he was drafted sixth overall and the Chargers tried to pretend that TyRod Taylor was a better option at QB.

Winner: Rational Bears fans

Rational being the operative word here, as there is a large contingent of delusional ones. 

But man, what an exciting time to be the type of person who loves discussing the semantics of “deep dish pizza” and screaming “Bear Down!” when eight beers deep.

Not only are Bears fans on the verge of getting to watch a very exciting QB prospect (I’m a recovering “generational prospect” sayer as of a few minutes ago) in Caleb Williams with the 1.01, they also get to enjoy the aforementioned Allen putting on a weekly route-running clinic alongside D.J. Moore.

The D’Andre Swift contract felt unnecessary, but I suppose bolstering the running game around a rookie QB can’t hurt. 

If there’s any team position to pull a Houston Texans from last year, it’s the Chicago Bears. For those capable of letting go of Justin Fields —breakups are hard, I get it — enjoy.

Loser: New England Patriots

Yo, what are you guys doing? Seriously. You have zero talent right now and your big splash in Free Agency was bringing in Antonio Gibson and … checks notes … K.J. Osborn?

I’m going to continue to speak directly to you in hopes that you understand the severity of the situation.

Unlike Williams in Chicago, whichever signal caller you draft — presumably Drake Maye or Jayden Daniels — will be throwing to a CFL-caliber corps of pass catchers. 

There’s a very clear meta in this current version of the NFL — one that seemingly every other team in the league understands — and that’s surrounding your QB with as much possible pass catching talent as possible. 

Unless you expect your rookie QB to be the second coming of Patrick Mahomes, you are setting them up for failure.

I will say this, though. You have one chance at redemption and that’s unloading the clip at the WR position in this upcoming draft. I’m not being hyperbolic, either. Ignore other positions. Select a WR at Pick 34 … and Pick 68 … and Pick 103 while you are at it.

You have to leave this class with at least one impact WR. It’s non-negotiable.

We’re begging you. Yes, I said we. I’m terrified my daughter is going to grow up a Patriots fan and I refuse to let her think Osborn, Kendrick Bourne and “Pop” Douglas are a viable starting WR set. 

Fix this now.

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